Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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