A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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