My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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