EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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