i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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