Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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