Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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