$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
