thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
