Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
