I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
