you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Still dying that you shit outside
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
