i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He has the fingertips of a God
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
