did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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