i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
