next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
