My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
