i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
