I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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