: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
