i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I want to be your penis for a week.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
