is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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