Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
