haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
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