isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
