Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
