Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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