My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
