I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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