you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
