how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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