does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
