I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
