is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
