you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
