Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
