I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
