DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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