The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
