we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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