what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Is Oprah even human
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
