When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
