So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
