he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
