My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
