Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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