I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
