Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
high people should be assigned attendants
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
