Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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