you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
