You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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