I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
